Strictly Prohibited: Pygmy Puff Counselling
by hilarity.com
Summary: Lily! Don’t run away! Come back! Get off me, you crazy pygmies! Off, I sa no, Lily, wait! James Potter has one fear. A cute little bundle of pygmy puffs. He swears that they are supposedly out to get him, but would Lily show how cute they are?
1. Chapter 1

Strictly Prohibited: Pygmy puff counselling: Toy brooms are important

_Lily! Don't run away! Come back! Get off me, you crazy pygmies! Off, I sa- no, Lily, wait! _

_James Potter has one fear. A cute little bundle of pygmy puffs. He swears that they are supposedly out to get him, but would Lily show how cute they are? _

_**Disclaimer: **WE DON'T OWN IT. DON'T OWN IT. DUDE, IT'S OBVIOUS. _

_**A/N: **It's a NL (tiedye) and Cindy fanfiction this time! Okay, get a box of popcorn and er- read our pitiful attempts at trying to be funny. _

James Potter, a tall and dashing boy… er – man, collapsed under the beech tree, panting with the daily exercise that he went through. Yes, he did count running after Snape, pouncing on him, grabbing his hat and hexing him as good exercise. Since having to make sure that his beloved, Lily Evans, had no idea that he was secretly hexing Snape, James sort of had to do it whilst wearing his invisibility cloak.

It added to the fun though. He and Sirius Black just loved seeing Snape's face of exasperation when he got hexed by a supposedly no one… again. It was done repeatedly, approximately six times per day.

This day, he'd given it a go at Snape, (not that way you sick people) a grand total of eleven times. Sirius helped to drag him off after so that Lily Evans or any other Snape caring person - James personally didn't think there was a Snape caring person - could help him.

"That was fun," chuckled Sirius, punching James lightly on the shoulder. "Shall we do that again this afternoon?"

James nodded enthusiastically, still wheezing for breath. "You know what I don't get, Sirius?"

Sirius gestured for him to continue.

"How I'm so out of breath… and you're so… calm. I do Quidditch. You don't. I'm with you when we hunt down Snape…" James asked uncomfortably, desperately wanting to know what was wrong with him, as he wanted to put in his resume if ever applying for a job: Never gets out of breath, speciality – Hunting down evil people.

"Unlucky, I guess," grinned Sirius, flexing his muscles idiotically, a smirk stuck on his face as he showed them off to James. "Bet they're stronger then your flabby ones, James."

James gasped, an incredulous look appearing on his face. "They are not flabby!" he said indignantly.

"If you're talking about Potter's muscles – then yes, they are."

A cheerful voice met them, even before James' looked up; he immediately guessed who it was.

"Evans!" he said offendedly. "My muscles are not flabby!"

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Compare them to Peter's muscles then!"

"Oh," the girl said understandably, nodding her head as if she followed what he was saying. "Yeh, I totally agree with that then. But Black has better muscles."

Sirius smiled smugly at James, flexing his muscles one last time before changing the subject. "Heard you got new pets, Evans?"

"Oh! Yes, they're just soooo cute!" gushed Lily, standing up and clapping her hands with delight. "I adore pygmy puffs! I have two, currently, but I think I'm going to get a whole bunch of them."

"Pygmy puf-puffs?" James stumbled over his words and started to shuffle his feet nervously. He didn't think that anyone would notice it, but he had turned remarkably pale. However, Lily was the observant one, and had always caught sight of anything unusual.

"Yes, Potter," smirked Lily. "Have a problem with them?"

"N-n-no," stammered James, trying to avoid Lily's glance. "The-they're just so cu-cute!"

"Sure," remarked Lily sceptically, now that James had turned a strange colour with his pale complexion and a tinge of green.

As you may have guessed, James didn't like pygmy puffs much. If a muggle had asked him what one was, he would have answered as quickly as the speed of sound, _THEY ARE UGLY AND DISGUSTING PUFFS! _

James hadn't always been so biased against pygmy puffs, but he had a very difficult situation with them, when he was a little kid.

It was one sunny afternoon, unusual in England, and James was bored. Now, when James is bored, what his mother would mostly do was to tuck him for a nap and give him a lollipop. He was five then, not sixteen.

As usual, James' mother tucked him into his bedcovers, kissed his forehead and walked out, planning to go grocery shopping.

James had an uncle who was currently boarding with them; due to that he accidentally lit his own house on fire. Mr Uncle was rather scatter-brained, and appeared to forget what he was planning to do every five minutes or so.

Mr Uncle had bought James a present, one little pygmy puff.

James loved his little pink puffball and kept it in his pocket for the whole time. Now, back to when James' was taking his little nap and dreaming of all things well around the world. While dreaming, Mr Uncle had sneaked off to a pet store, and bought twenty more pygmy puffs. He'd plan to throw them into James' room, as a lovely surprise, where James would be delighted and hug all his pygmy puffs into one large group hug.

All did not go as planned, as you probably figured out. James had awoken from his blissful nap and saw the twenty-one, pink, fluffballs chewing on his toy broomstick!

James, even at the ripe age of five, was a devoted Quidditch lover, and was immediately horrified to see that the handle of the broomstick was NEARLY BITTEN OFF! As was expected James burst into tears, ran to his mother's room and stayed there sobbing, till she came back home.

"I like pygmy puffs," cried Sirius enthusiastically, punching the air to emphasize what he had just said. "I think they're cute… other than the fact that they're pink. They should have white ones! Or BLACK ONES!"

"Harhar." Lily turned around distractedly back to James, feeling a slight bit of concern for her sometimes friend. James had now gone from a tinge of pale green, into a rather bright green and was now making puking motions, and waving for his friends to get out of the way.

"Are you alright, Potter?" she asked in a much gentler tone.

James, pushing Sirius and Lily out of the way, sprinted towards The Great Lake and promptly threw up.

"Ew," commented Sirius, staring at the green spit that was now floating about in the lake. "That's interesting."

Lily wrinkled her nose, and turned the other direction, preferring not to look at it. "That's disgusting."

James limped back to his friends, his hand on his heaving stomach. "Sorry," he said weakly, giving them an apologetic glance. "Just…yeh."

"Ate something wrong today, James?"

"No," said James. He then realized he could have just said yes, I ate something weird today, and left it at there. But no! He had to say no, and now have to explain about his hate and disgust for the ugly little puffballs.

Sirius and Lily were now staring curiously at him, well, Lily was; Sirius was still giggling over the green spit bubbles on the lake.

"It started like this." James heaved a deep breath and started to inform them of his traumatic experience, including many grand gestures and exclamation marks in it.

…

…

…

"…on my BROOMSTICK!"

Sirius gasped, knowing how much Quidditch meant to his friend, whereas Lily looked on with a befuddled expression. She scratched behind her ear, and wondered if she was supposed to be following all that James was talking.

"Isn't it a toy broomstick?" asked Lily blankly.

"That's not the point, Evans!" snapped James, and continued on ranting about how very important all his broomsticks, toy or not, were to him.

…

…

…

"And that's it," ended James, looking around for miserable and sympathetic faces.

"You're scared of pygmy puffs?" choked out Lily, trying to contain her laughter.

"Yes," said James sadly.

"That's so stupid, Potter!" exclaimed Lily, amusement showing plainly on her face. "Er," she corrected herself, when James shot her a glare. "What I meant was… we'll help you get over it… won't we, Black?"

_Kay. Another new story. _

_I know. I've been writing at least everyday now. But thank god, I don't have to do the next chapter. Next chapter is (Cindy) and she's heaps better at writing then me. Make us happy and review? We would be so happy, jumping for joy happy, if we got like. Fifteen. But that's highly impossible, as we're posing for humour writers…_

…_when we're really not that funny. _


	2. Chapter 2

Strictly Prohibited: Pygmy Puff Counselling: Conversations involving pink, pygmy puffs and intelligence

_**Disclaimer: **As afore mentioned, we obviously don't own it dudes. You know why? Simply because J.K. Rowling would never write about Pygmy Puffs. _

_**A/N: **Alright, I'm good at laughing, but constructing stories based on humour is not my specialty. Go with me on that one, and you won't be wrong. Really. NL knows it too._

"Prongs! Prongs, man, wake up!"

James always knew he was blessed with the best friends possible.

"Alright, that's it, James, get out of bed before I kick your lazy sodding arse!"

Right. Where was he?

Ah, that's it. It was a glorious Sunday morning. Intuitively, James knew that Sunday mornings like these were used by intelligent people to sleep in and laze about. Unfortunately, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew were not the two brightest people in the world.

"Alright, I'm up! What is wrong with you two? Can't you even let a guy sleep in?" he asked, glasses askew as he struggled to get out of his bed.

When he finally managed to stand up, he crossed his arms and glared at his so-called 'buddies'.

"What? Evans wants to talk to you!" Sirius said, crossing his arms swiftly and leaning against the bedpost.

"Really? Okay, now I'm up!" Without another word, James ran across the room, brushed his teeth and got dressed.

"Uh, Sirius? Don't you think we should tell James about Lily's Pygmies?" Peter stuttered nervously.

A malicious grin spread across Sirius's face. "Nah. I think James needs to find out for himself!"

"Evans! What's… whoa!"

James halted rather suddenly as he approached his beloved redhead.

"Potter, what's the problem?" Lily asked wickedly, her eyes glinting with pent-up laughter.

This was the situation at hand. Lily Evans was currently surrounded by at least eight pink Pygmy Puffs. This made it so much more difficult for James to reach out and kiss her cheek, not that she would have let him anyway. The Pygmy Puffs were just an added protection.

_Am I hallucinating?_ James thought to himself.

_You know, if you were hallucinating, you really wouldn't be asking yourself that._

As his inner battle raged on, James became slightly aware of Lily's increased laughter.

"What exactly is so funny?"

Lily clutched her stomach while chuckling. "You! The look on your face was priceless, Potter! To think, the ladies' man of Hogwarts, afraid of Pygmy Puffs! Oh, this will be something Alice wants to hear about!"

James paled once again and clawed at his face worriedly. He groaned inwardly with frustration. The reputation he had worked so hard to achieve at this school, the fanclub he had acquired over the past six years, could very soon become history if any news of his weakness leaked out.

"Lily! Please, don't tell Alice! Or anybody else, actually. It would be terrible if you did!" James begged, kneeling on the floor.

Lily arched an eyebrow in response.

"Tell me, Potter dearest, why it would be so horrid if I told anyone?"

"That's easy, Evans. James is scared that everyone will know that he's scared of the colour pink. I know I am!" Sirius exclaimed as he strutted into the Common Room.

"Wait a minute. Padfoot, I'm not scared of the colour pink! Are you mad? I'm scared of Pygmy Puffs!" James whispered anxiously. He really didn't need anyone knowing that he really liked the colour pink.

"Pardon Prongs?

"I said, I'm scared of the creatures, not the colour!"

"I still can't hear you, Prongsie boy!"

"The creatures, idiot. Not the colour."

"What?" Sirius said, cupping his hand behind his ear. Really, he had to compliment himself. He was such a good actor!

"I said I'm afraid of the bloody Pygmy Puffs, not the colour pink! You know I like pink!" James finally exploded.

Unluckily for him, the rest of the Gryffindors had just come in from breakfast, and had heard his confession. Their expressions of shock and bemusement were guaranteed.

James glared at his best friend, horrified, while Sirius looked on smugly.

"James! That's great! I love the colour pink too!" Peter squeaked, breaking the tension-filled silence in the room.

James, Sirius and Lily stared at him in a unified manner, rather disturbed by his unexpected outburst.

"Alright, nothing to see here, go away people!" James yelled, his face flushed with embarrassment.

The Gryffindors went away, mumbling about pink-loving sixth-years and redheads sitting with Pygmy Puffs.

"James, I think it's sweet. Mon't mou wuv it mow Revans mave mou a mink Mygmy Muff?"

The four Marauders were sitting on their beds in the dormitory, discussing the latest developments in respect to Pygmy Puffs.

"You do realise, don't you Sirius, that we didn't get that last sentence? Maybe if you stopped being such a glutton for once, we might actually be able to understand your sentences!" Remus Lupin said exasperatedly, knowing that it was no use to tell Sirius Black to stop eating. That would be suicide.

Sirius launched into one of his famous 'why-food-is-so-great' speeches.

_Yes. Definitely suicide_.

"Okay, we get the point, Pad. Just stop talking AND eating at the same time, and we'll all be happy," James told his food-loving friend.

"You don't mind me asking, do you? What were you actually saying, Sirius?"

Sirius stared at his friends in a manner that made them think they had strawberry icing in their hair. In other words, as if they were crazy.

"Well, duh. I said: Don't you love it how Evans gave you a pink Pygmy Puff, James?"

"No!" came the response.

"Sirius! It's all your fault! Now everyone in Gryffindor knows that I like pink, and that Pygmy Puffs are my greatest weakness! How am I supposed to get a girl to kiss me now?"

Not for the first time, Remus wondered why exactly he had befriended the Marauders. After all, one of them couldn't stop eating to save himself, the other was a sixteen-year-old boy who talked like a ten-year-old girl and had a crazy obsession with wearing pink nightcaps, and the last boy seemed to love kissing girls more than life itself! One had to feel sorry for the bookworm of the quartet.

Always the sensible one, Remus managed to ask an important question. "Where is the Pygmy Puff at the moment, James?"

"Under my clothes somewhere," James replied off-handedly.

"WHAT?"

"On my bed, not my body, Moony!"

"Okay. I got scared for a moment there," Sirius said, shuddering.

Remus glared at him.

"What? I knew you would probably say something intelligent like: "Thank Merlin!" so I thought maybe I should answer for you!"

"How is the phrase 'Thank Merlin' intelligent?" Remus questioned.

"That's a hard one. Can I take a raincheck on that?" Sirius replied, surprised that his vocabulary consisted of words as big as 'intelligent' and 'raincheck'.

"I'm going to bed guys. Conversations with Pygmy Puffs as subjects scare me."

Guess who said that? Yep. The one and only James Potter!

_I am so obviously not a better writer than NL. Hope y'all liked that chapter. Reviews are nice. I like reviews, don't you? Well, if you don't, just review anyway. Or else NL will do something terrible, like tease me about liking Maths or something. Okay. Next chapter is by NL, just so you know!_


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